And now, the review that’s not speaking as Kyle 242 to you (it’s speaking as Rusty Shackleford), it’s…

Well, we’re almost here, ladies & gentlemen! Less than one week removed from Night of Champions. We already have a good idea of what to expect from this PPV, and unfortunately, with the way things are unfolding on Raw, there’s not a ton more story to develop until those matches of epicity actually happen (my word processor just underlined “epicity” as if it’s not a real word…it wants me to use “opacity” instead, which I’m convinced would make that sentence epicly more confusing) (hey, there it goes again!) (oh, wait, I actually did spell epically wrong, move on).

Still, they need to find a way to keep the viewers engaged, and boost those all-important PPV buys. NoC will be a good test of how things are really going. Ratings have become a dated metric since the invention of the DVR (and the fact that they tell me Two and a Half Men is a hit show, while The Critic wasn’t, although that might just be a reflection of our crumbling society), so really, the amount of money that people willfully spend on your product (especially on PPV’s, which basically operate on the same principle as giving you a soap opera for free and selling you a really good episode every month) is a good indicator of how much people are addicted to what’s going on. Money in the Bank was at the height of the “Punk awareness movement”, SummerSlam is always a big annual event, so Night of Champions is really the best test we have yet. Best test, as in it has the most factors going against it. Casual fans will have just spent around $100 for the last two PPV’s, without having anything to show for it except arguments with the spouse and secret “don’t tell anyone I rented this” conversations with a few select friends (you’ll note that the similarity to renting porn is striking). America’s most popular sport has not only just started up again, but is also competing for time on the same day, at a much more reasonable cost. Punk’s fanbase is almost exclusively anti-Cena, yet the main event is a title match involving Cena and the guy who stole the belt from Punk. And, let’s not forget, there’s a guarantee that the Diva’s title will be defended. Dire factors, all of them.

Yes, that’s alot of stuff working against this little PPV, and only time will tell how it fares. So, will this show break through all of our doubts and hook us like the rock cod that we are? Or, will we be left looking up whether this weekend’s Simpsons and Family Guy reruns are any good? Let’s evaluate!

In a change from what we usually see, the show begins with our champion, Alberto Del Rio, already in the ring. He starts the typical heel rant about how people are not respecting him even though he holds the title (hmm…might be because a good chunk of people only watch Raw for CM Punk, and you’re not CM Punk, but that’s just a guess). Like Luigi from The Simpsons, he politely asks the audience to not make-a-the-fun, when…

…we remember we’re in Canada, which means a customary Bret Hart appearance!

Bret goes off on ADR about how he doesn’t know what it means to be the World Champion (which Cole, being Cole, quickly corrects as WWE Champion). He calls ADR “all style, no stubstance” (oh Bret). He preaches that Del Rio will only know what it is to be a champion when he takes on all contenders, and leaves it all in the ring. Y’know, like Bret totally did when he was the US Champion in WCW. You don’t doubt El Dandy.

Alberto Del Rio, not to be upstaged by a crotchety old man, calls Bret out on his dated appearance. Now, Bret’s Canadian, so that’s totally not fair…it’s like making fun of a fat kid for being slow, or making fun of a fat kid for being bad at sports, or making fun of a fat kid for being SO FUCKING FAT (ok, maybe my argument does not hold). Anyway, I did notice that Bret totally updated his jorts to cargo shorts, and I theorize that he did this because he overheard everyone making fun of Cena’s jorts. Unfortunately for him, I have been known to wear cargo shorts on occasion myself, and I’m Canadian, so I can only assume no one in the US has worn them since 1997. Moving on.

JC comes out and defends Bret, saying that he doesn’t look like an old, dated mess of a man who may or may not have been a fat kid, but he instead looks like a Hall of Famer (so basically, he’s just old). Cena confirms to Del Rio that he’s going to beat him on Sunday (SPOILERS CENA, JEEZ), and commends him for not running away like he usually does when they stand face-to-face. ADR responds by trying to book a match with Cena and his ring announcer, Ricardo Rodriguez (who I’m pretty sure plays bass in a Mexican industrial band), much to Ricardo’s protest. Cena suggests that Del Rio face Mr. TBTITBTWATBTEWB instead. 

This gets the crowd (who obviously idolizes Bret) going, when Mr. Laurinaitis appears. No, not the Road Warrior one, not even the NFL one…this one.

Johnny Ace comes out and informs the men that they’ll all be competing in tag-team action tonight. And then Teddy Long comes out and stiff shots Ace for stealing his gimmick. No, that didn’t actually happen, but it would be awesome. Especially if the set fell on them afterward.

For a couple of guys who don’t work well together, Dack Zwaggler are sure forced to team up pretty often. Just so you know, Vickie, your job as a manager is to make sure your clients win, not put them in situations with terrible chemistry where a dime-store psychic could predict a loss (along with wedding bells for Antonio Gates and Robert Stack).

This was a pretty predictable match all-around. Ziggler takes control but doesn’t tag Swagger. Swagger tags himself in, but gets into trouble, and instead of breaking the pin, Ziggler just watches his partner go down (which, by the way, counts for a loss for YOU TOO Ziggs). The purpose of this match was just to fuel the Swagger/Ziggler tension even further, and it’s sort of silly when you look at the reasoning behind it. Really, Ziggler’s jealous because Vickie’s taking on another client? He does realize that promoters in these types of sports have many clients, and further, it’s not uncommon for them to fight each other, right? I mean, I’m all for a Ziggler/Swagger feud (even though I still have no idea who’s the face in that scenario, or if we even need one), but come on. Have one of them drag the other’s dead father around in a car or something.

Also, apparently Alex Riley and John Morrison were in this match, but I didn’t really notice.

These men work extremely well together (which seems to be a common theme for Miz, he seems to develop chemistry with almost anyone he’s placed with), and seeing them cut a promo has become one of my personal Raw highlights every week. This week didn’t disappoint. Things start off in a usual fashion (backstage interview), but they take the mic, and start walking toward the ring, conversing on how they’re appreciative that HHH did the right thing (giving them a tag title match, which I wouldn’t get too worked up about, given that it’s roughly equivalent to me giving you a sentence in this review) (I mean HEY KIDS, JOIN THE “PUBLISH MY SENTENCE, 242” CONTEST!!), but they still think he’s part of the C-O-N-SPIRACY and are upset at the fact that they’re not main eventers anymore. Also, credit to Truth for finally using the “COO” initialism (sounding out “COO COO”…I could’ve done better, but hey, at least I know he reads my review) (yea don’t correct me on that last part, let me have my imaginary moment).

Unfortunately, the whole thing ends with the lamest handshake ever. I’m kinda torn on this though, because that might actually be awesome.

Actually, no, I was wrong, the REAL unfortunate part is that we got a Kofi Kingston match afterward.

This match wasn’t terrible, but it was quick and not anything worth noting either. As a bit of a surprise, Miz pulled off a clean win with the Skullcrushing Finale, which I’m pretty sure has never happened when a heel has his partner on the outside. But when you think about it, it makes sense…Miz was the WWE Champion not long ago (and he’ll be quick to tell you that he successfully defended the title at WrestleMania), so he should beat Kofi (a career mid-carder, in all likelihood). It also builds Miz/Truth as a very credible threat…in fact, I think we’d be surprised to not see them take the titles away after Sunday.

…MOTHERFUCKING SHEAMUS!!! Okay, he’s maybe not as suited for this as Ryder, but being a huge Sheamus fan, it was great to see him pretty much single-handedly destroy the drab duo. Even if we had to put up with Jerry “punching is wrestling” Lawler.

Ironically, this match started with McGillicutty and Otunga cutting a shitty promo, the purpose of which was to refute the claim that they lack personality. And, like someone who maybe believes a little too hard, I’m honestly not sure what’s real or fake at this point. Are they in on the joke? Is their boringosity a gimmick? Surely it is, but is it the only gimmick they’re really capable of? If so…what’s the point of these guys exactly!? My head is spinning.

The bad news? This was another predictable match, on a night of predictable matches. The good news? It wasn’t the main event, when it easily could’ve been. Credit to the WWE.

Things start off with Cena playing matador with Rodriguez by using his red shirt (followed up by Cena throwing his shirt into the crowd, eliciting a “THROW IT BACK!” chant. Note to future live fans, don’t try to re-enact an awesome wrestling moment, make your own instead). Basically, Ricardo tries to avoid Cena for entire match, and eventually Del Rio just ups and walks out, leaving his butler (I know he’s not a butler, but it sounds funnier) to the wolves. We don’t see much of Bret except for a sharpshooter at the end, and these days, that’s probably for the best.

This match was the result of a backstage quarrel between the two, with each girl seemingly trying to out-terribly-act the other. I’m also not sure why Vickie had her gear readily available, considering she’s not an active wrestler, but hey…always bring your gear, right?

Somehow, this match ended up with more Ziggler and Swagger arguing, resulting in Kelly rolling up a distracted Vickie for the pin (and it’s awesome that our Divas champion had to win a match against a non-active wrestler via distraction). Beth Phoenix came down to try and land a sneak attack, but Kelly was ready for her, causing Beth to back off. If Kelly wins again this week, I think we might have to consider her legit…until her friend turns on her, and does guest commentary the next week, and so on.

Didn’t we just get this match? Y’know what, fuck it, it’s Orton/Rhodes!

This was actually a very interesting match, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Orton kept control for pretty much the entire time, taking breaks here and there to chase away Mark Henry (and the first time he did that, he even went back to work on Cody afterward without missing a beat), so in that sense it really didn’t make Cody look great. It felt as though Randy was on the lookout for his real rival, while dealing with the pest in the ring that was Cody along the way. While I could easily buy that scenario if Randy was facing, say, Jinder Mahal, Cody’s proven himself to be a little more of a threat than that. Having voiced that complaint, this match ended with Orton finally being distracted enough to allow Cody to hit him in the face with his mask (which he took off…it was nice to see Codyface again!), and nail the Cross Rhodes for the win. So, despite Orton looking like Superman for most of the match, his lack of awareness did come back to bite him, and Cody did prevail with a semi-clean win over the World Champion. And that sounds about right.

Not a great match by any means, but it did its job.

I should also note that while Orton was decimating Rhodes, the announcers did a good job of selling a thought that had never occurred to me, “how is Orton going to hit these moves on Henry?” Compelling point…until you realize that all that really means it that it’s probably going to be a shitty match. Still, I’m willing to give Orton the benefit of the doubt based on his recent renaissance.

“What the flippin’ fuck?”, you might say, “a verbal debate is our main event!?” And I had a similar reaction (although, to be clear, it wasn’t billed as a verbal debate…but it was clear that the show was ending on a promo). But then you look at the men involved, and you have to think, “this is the biggest thing going right now. They have to sell Night of Champions.” And then, while still a little awkward, it starts to make sense.

And, make no mistake, this was a verbal debate. Both men stood in the ring across from each other, microphone in hand, trying to one-up the other’s point. And it’s clever…Punk is basically the voice of smarks everywhere, arguing all the common complaints that you hear on the internet (like how only bodybuilders get pushed, how John Cena shouldn’t have gotten the push he did due to fan reaction, etc.) while HHH is the voice of, well, HHH, representing the “business guy” and antithesis to smarks everywhere (which isn’t entirely true, seeing as how people started warming up to him a few years ago, but it’s still a clever role for him). I guess my only gripe is that these debates seem to come out of the blue…Punk starts complaining about something like a wrestling message board poster, HHH counters with a reasonable point (for instance, he countered the “bodybuilder” accusation with Shawn Michaels), and so on. I was starting to get a little jaded in thinking how transparent this process was becoming, until Punk dropped the proverbial pipe bomb.

He called HHH by his name. His real name.

Correct me if I’m wrong (I know, hard to believe, but it’s happened), but I’m pretty sure that this is the first time we’ve ever heard HHH’s real name on the air. Or even acknowledged by the WWE in any form, for that matter. Hell, just a few weeks ago, it was groundbreaking that they were acknowledging his marriage to Stephanie (beyond a few inside jokes during the DX run). And just like that, when I thought things were starting to lose their edge, I was stunned and pulled back in.

And there are legit complaints about this. First of all, Punk’s always managed to keep a balance of breaking the fourth wall while remaining kayfabe, which is incredibly difficult to do. This violates that…it was a direct fourth wall “we’re not playing games anymore” assault. 

Personally, I love it. What I don’t love, however, is that it doesn’t quite fit the current show. We get 90% kayfabe, then 10% “realism”…I know we can all say we’re “in on the joke”, but it still strikes me as odd that we have to set aside our imagination when HHH & Punk come to play. But at the same time, I’m curious. What does this mean? Will the whole show eventually move in this direction? What would that look like? If not, how are they going to write Punk into working with someone less “real” and more “cartoony”?

To be honest, I don’t even have many doubts at this point, I have confidence that whatever they’re going to do is going to work, and work well. I’m more excited about what it’s going to look like than anything.

It was definitely a “pipe bomb” moment for me, and I want more.

It’s become a bit of a disturbing trend that there isn’t anything special on Raw, except for the Punk/HHH bits. This show didn’t stray from that status quo, and while there is definitely some stuff building for Night of Champions, I’m not sure it’s going to be strong enough to warrant a strong buy. Even the Punk/HHH match (by far the most compelling match of the PPV) has the feeling of “skippable, but will keep following the storyline afterward” to it. I’m guessing that this is why they added the stipulations to it, and it does help (for storyline nuts like me who like to be surprised as things happen), but I still don’t feel that it’s worth ordering an entire PPV for.

I am, however, really looking forward to next week’s Raw, as you know there will be some fallout from almost any scenario that Punk/HHH ends up as.

This is a new segment where I basically outline my prediction for the upcoming PPV. And then afterward, when I’m wrong, you can come back and comment and laugh at me. So here goes!

Since the only thing I’m really interested in is the Punk/HHH feud, I’ll comment on that. So, what do we know?

• Nash and Punk were feuding, until Nash was fired by HHH
• Nash’s release was announced officially by WWE.com, but we last saw Nash driving away with Johnny Ace
• CM Punk’s microphone was cut off at the end of this episode, despite HHH trying to keep handing him a working one

With those facts combined…I think a plausible scenario would be Johnny Ace being the “evil company guy” here, and going behind HHH’s back to do what’s good for the WWE. I take the microphone as a hint that there are factors going on beyond HHH’s knowledge, and I think we might see some more evidence (or even full-on manifestation) of that this Sunday.

So, does that mean Punk wins, and Ace takes over HHH’s job? Plausible. It’s no DQ, so maybe Nash interferes on Ace’s behalf, and Punk ends up all confused and not knowing who to trust. It seems like they added the “quit as COO” stipulation for some purpose…ideally, how I’d like it to go down is to have the “higher powers” try and interfere and cost Trips his job, but ultimately fail (for the selfish reason of me wanting him to remain COO). An even better alternative, of course, would be to have HHH in on the whole thing and royally screw punk, leading to a full-on HHH heel turn, but it might be a bit early for that (indeed, people are already complaining at the pace of this feud).

Regardless, even if HHH loses his job, it won’t be the last we see of him. I think this will really just turn into a big mess of conspiracies around Punk and the company, who to trust (if anyone), etc. And I’m cool with that. And R-Truth will go fucking bananas.

Not a solid prediction, I realize, but about as bold as what you’re going to get from me.

Also, ADR wins.

I’ve been using this section to rant, so I’m just leaving it blank this week and hoping for a turn-around. I didn’t notice anything particularly bad or good this week.

…I guess that’s not leaving it blank.

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