Welcome to the Talking Smack column where I offer up a quick rundown of WWE’s Friday broadcast, Smackdown.

I’m running a tournament on my blog called “The Greatest WrestleMania Match Ever” featuring what I feel is a fair way to determine the best WrestleMania match ever. We’re into the round of 16 with the elite 8 looming. If you click here you’ll be able to catch up on everything you’ve missed over the course of the last week. Get over to thejohnreport.net to check it out as it’s ongoing all the way to WrestleMania.

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Taped from Los Angeles, California let’s talk some smack…

My favorite thing that happened this week was learning about a yacht owned by Vince and Linda McMahon. What’s it called? “THE SEXY BITCH.” Yes, that’s the name. What’s great is that Linda’s opponent in the election let it be known to people in Connecticut. I love politicians. It’s like being 13 years old and making mom jokes. “She may be smarter than me, but she has a boat called The Sexy Bitch! You can’t vote for somebody like that!” And people cheer, I guess. Who knows? I love it. The problem is when I have a yacht one day I can’t name it The Sexy Bitch since it’s already taken. Vince, you screwed me. I’m guessing Vince got to pick the name for the yacht, huh?

Rey Mysterio started the show off as the announcers busted out the SERIOUS VOICES~! to talk about CM Punk’s creepy actions last week. Rey said you don’t bring family into this. Punk showed pics of last week showing the fear in the eyes of Rey’s daughter. Punk said Rey has to face Gallows later in the show and if he beat him he’d get his street fight. If he loses this match and loses to Punk at Mania he has to join the Straight Edge Society. Mysterio said fine and “may God have mercy on your soul.” Uh oh, somebody other than Undertaker said soul. Gimmick infringement! Anyway, this was an effective segment. I liked the segment and Punk’s creepy heel character is really working.

Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger d. MVP & Matt Hardy (*)
Let’s forget MVP is a Raw wrestler. The brand extension basically doesn’t exist in March and April this year. They got about six minutes with a commercial mixed in after a minute. I never got into the match. When you do a hot tag after only a couple of minutes you know it’s going to be a quick contest. Ziggler eventually hit MVP with the Zig Zag for the win. Post match, Ziggler climbed a ladder and grabbed the briefcase. Good for him. If you think any of these four guys are winning Money in the Bank I’d say you’re wrong. Don’t see it happening.

We got to see the awesome Michaels/Taker “Ain’t No Grave” Johnny Cash video again. I love it. Can the WWE video production team work my wedding one day?

They showed Vince McMahon’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It should say “The Sexy Bitch” on there.

Backstage, Teddy Long talked to Drew McIntyre. In talking about winning streaks and how Vince took his two losses out of the record books, he mentions the Undertaker’s Mania streak, so he’s putting Drew against The Undertaker later in the show.

Beth Phoenix & Tiffany Tiffany d. Michelle McCool & Layla (*1/4)
Airplane spin by Beth on Layla had me marking out a little bit. Who doesn’t love the airplane spin? Classic. I’m impressed by Tiffany and not just because she’s gorgeous. The forearms she throws look crisp while she’s surprisingly able to pull off the aggressive attacks. She got beat up by Michelle a bit, Beth got the hot tag and was able to finish off McCool with the Glam Slam for the win after about four minutes. Decent tag match. They worked well together although I’m missing Mickie James-Canton big time (got a special banner of her coming up in this post). Vickie Guerrero came out, said she wanted an apology from Beth for attacking her. Beth gave her one, but that wasn’t good enough. Next week it’s Beth vs. Vickie. This worked. Crowd hates Vickie, so that’s helping Beth’s face turn.

They showed Kevin Rudolf in the crowd while plugging his “I Made It” song. That’s nice. I like the song. Don’t love it, but it’s decent.

Jericho as a guest on the Cutting Edge
The only difference between last week and this week was the guest got introduced to be on the show whereas last week they both came out at the same time. Plus, Jericho’s next rookie Wade Barrett was there to take a Spear of course. Also, Edge’s set doesn’t contain an obscenely expensive screen like the Jeritron 3000. Other than that, it was basically the same thing. They have had several face to face promos with eachother. They’re always good and in this instance they really focused on the left foot injury. Once it got physical, Jericho got tossed to the floor while Edge hit the Spear on Barrett. Jericho got back in and gave Edge a Codebreaker to send him down. Then he stomped on the ankle. I would have loved a chairshot to the ankle, Brian Pillman style, but I guess that’s for another time. It was basically the same thing they’ve been doing except they focused more on the ankle injury, which is a good thing. That’s how you build sympathy heat for the babyface.

John Morrison & R-Truth d. The Hart Dynasty (SQUASH)
Remember when some of us thought The Hart Dynasty might get a push since Bret Hart was working in WWE again? Didn’t happen. They lost in less than two minutes to the Lie Detector by R-Truth. The booking makes sense. I just wish they had something more for THD to do these days. Ah well.

They did Word Up with Cryme Tyme plugging some Slim Jim sweepstakes. I love guys from the hood that plug contests for corporate sponsors.

Luke Gallows d. Rey Mysterio (**1/4)
This was the longest and best match on the show. These two do have great chemistry, though, since Mysterio’s such an awesome worker against the bigger opponents. Like I’ve said in recent weeks, I’m impressed by Gallows’ mobility. He’s tall, but he’s not slow. He can move around the ring and get in the right spot to either hit moves or take a bump. That’s very important for a big guy. It’s what differentiates him from a guy like Chris Masters who is immobile with poor timing. About eight minutes in, Mysterio hit the 619, which was the cue for the interference as Punk distracted the ref, Serena tripped Mysterio up and Gallows capitalized to score the pin. This means if Punk wins at WM then Rey joins the Straight Edge Society. They could have Punk win to make for an awkward month to follow. I’d expect the Hair vs. Mask stip, which was rumored months ago, to be in place for a rematch at Extreme Rules in April although that’s just a guess on my part.

Undertaker d. Drew McIntyre (SQUASH)
Undertaker won in about two minutes using the legdrop on the apron, the chokeslam and the Tombstone to finish Drew off. If you think this doesn’t mean McIntyre is winning Money in the Bank you’re wrong. It’s similar to when Jericho lost a few times heading into the Elimination Chamber PPV and then won. For whatever reason, WWE thinks that booking a guy to lose in the weeks before a big win is a way to advance a storyline. I don’t necessarily agree with that, but I understand their point of view.

Post match, Shawn Michaels showed up OUT OF NOWHERE~!, missed the superkick at first, they struggled for a bit and then he nailed it. He talked trash to end the show while Undertaker raised his fist up in the air. This was a good ending to the show although to those that think it means HBK will go into WM as a heel you’re sorely mistaken. It’s a case of getting the upper hand before the match. I’d expect to see Undertaker on Raw this week.

Three Stars of the Show
1. “The Sexy Bitch” yacht
2. Rey Mysterio – Had the best match on the show.
3. Drew McIntyre’s entrance – I had nothing else to give it to, so it goes to the entrance.

5 out of 10
Last week: 6.5

A step below the usual goodness of Smackdown. There wasn’t enough in-ring action and what we got in the ring was too much like Raw. The Punk/Mysterio and Jericho/Edge promos were strong while Michaels kicking Undertaker worked, but the rest felt like filler to me. I have high hopes for Smackdown. It was only average this week, though.

Are you missing Mickie James like me? This is what she’s been up to while recovering from injury.

It’s true. That’s how she reads it. Ask her on twitter. Thanks to Debbie for making that for me!

Here’s the poll for voting:

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This is Commentfest for Smackdown (Smackfest perhaps?) for my Facebook friends. Their thoughts will be in blue while mine will be in brackets following them when needed.

I hereby initiate the “CM Punk Drinking Game”: take a swig of beer or shot of hard liquor every time our Straight Edge Savior Emeritus says any variation of the terms “sober”, “abuser”, “enabler”, or “straight edge”.

Aaliyah Mysterio is a better actress than pretty much all the divas.

Serena makes me feel straight edge. In my pants.

You sure it wasn’t luke gallows rubbing your shoulders that makes you feel straight edge??

Serena in camo? I’m saluting!

Here comes Biff Jobber. The All-American-American who HATES manure!

MVP comes out. AND THE CROWD GOES COMATOSE!

“He’s a future world champion and he lost to matt hardy?” ~quote from my brother’s girlfriend, who hardly even watches wrestling.

“These are the emerging stars of the WWE”. I don’t think so Matt Striker (Thanks for posting Crazy Vince)

“look at the youth.” Matt fecking Hardy is in the ring. Must be about 10 years in WWE now. (This makes it for the word “fecking.”)

Some guy in the stands has a sign that says “Batista is my son.” Who is he, Methusalah?

I thought the Teddy Long segment with Drew Mac was funny when he said u won ur 3rd qualifying match against someone who we don’t know who he is & will probably never see again. In other words jobber. They usually stay away from these words.

The adverts are on now, so commentfest is getting adverts too: http://www.thejohnreport.net, go visit it now and I won’t dump in your letterboxes! (I approve of this message.)

Just wanted to let everyone know, tiffany stole my wrestling attire…. (Thanks for posting, Awesome Kong.)

I wonder is Michelle gets worms from doing a deadman?

Tiffany is smokin’ like CRACK. If she asked, I’d have her baby. Don’t print that. (Sorry.)

Well guys its seem the return of Rikishi is next week, oh wait, I mean Vickie Guerrero. She’ll probably do the stinkface.

I call it now. Vickie is better in the ring than both the Bellas, Eve and The Wedding Planner. (Well, her last name is Guerrero.)

I’m too old to have an imaginary friend, but if I did, he’d be just like Edge. And he’d have a jet pack and whiskey. (Odd.)

I swear: I will laugh my fuckin’ ass off if R-Truth ever goes to a fan with the “What’s Up?” and they say “Nothing!”

You know a viable tag team when you see one being introduced INDIVIDUALLY!

The Great Khali says = The Hart Dynasty jobbing it out to a flying forearm is stupid. So does most of the population of earth.

Props to Striker for saying Grisham looks like Ellen Degeneres but the only man in the world that fits that description is NFL Hall of Famer Joe Namath. (You know who I think looks like Ellen? Wayne Gretzky. I think Canada might deport me now.)

Luke Gallows has his own theme song? You’re welcome 1992!

WWE – The best value in entertainment. I don’t know, my kids are pretty funny, and I see them for free all the time.

Two male heels in the ring together? Quick, get to implying that they’re gay!! (Thanks for posting, HHH.)

A “Rush” reference from Stryker makes this Smackdown a 10. I know you like that John! (Just because I’m Canadian doesn’t mean I love Rush. They’re fine, though.)

First we had Jay Lethal. Now JTG’s wearing the kooky shades, and pushing Slim Jims. Just how many illegitimate Black kids does Randy Savage have? (Thanks for asking, Stephanie McMahon. Yeah, I went there.)

The commentators are having a hard time explaining the stakes of the Mysterio/Gallows match in regards to the Mysterio/Punk Wrestlemania match: If Rey loses to Gallows, then at…well, he, umm, his match with Punk will be….um, if he loses to Punk…after losing to Gallows, then he’ll have to join the Straight Edge Society. But if he wins…against Gallows, then his match at Wrestlemania will be a street fight against CM Punk?! Yeah, got it!

I’m not gay, but that Drew’s a damn sexy man. I wish I knew how to quit him. Don’t print this, either. (Sorry again.)

I’m not going to express my disappointment this week with mynetworktv for opting to show another round of girls high school basketball instead of their highest rated show. No smackdown and no vickie make me something something… (Poor Vickie Guy.)

So, what did we learn tonight? We learnt that if you talk really posh and use big words, you can make facts up and become a WWE colour commentator. We learnt that if your a woman, you don’t really need to wrestle, just wear a ra-ra skirt and your on your way. Finally, we learnt that CM Punk and Straight Edge are the true paths in life.

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Keep checking me out on Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport where I’m now close to 900 followers. Once I hit 1000, I’ll write a column about the 100 greatest WWE matches from 2000 to 2009.

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Barring anything unforeseen, I’ll have a new column up on Monday about Shawn Michaels.

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend.

John Canton – [email protected]
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