A common thread in a disturbing number of suicides by adolescents to escape relentless online torment, known as cyberbullying, is that their parents didn’t know what was happening in their digital worlds. Perhaps they were embarrassed, or they feared getting their parents involved would only making things worse. But they said nothing, leaving their parents to wonder what they could have done to prevent the tragedy.

Not all, or even most, cyberbullying ends in suicide, experts emphasize. And despite the horrifying headlines about cyberbullied teens who take their lives, most have healthy online relationships with their peers, according to Sameer Hinduja and Justin W. Patchin, the co-directors of the Cyberbullying Research Center based at Florida Atlantic University.

“The vast majority do the right thing,” Hinduja told Patch. “They’re not clowning around.”

Hinduja and Patchin have been studying online bullying since 2002, before social media sites like Facebook and Twitter were developed and embraced by young people. They founded the Cyberbullying Research Center in 2005.

In a new research paper published in August, they found that adolescents who experience only one form of bullying, physical or online, aren’t at any greater risk for suicide than students who haven’t been bullied. But when cyberbullying is coupled with traditional forms of bullying, kids are 11 times more likely to attempt suicide than kids who experience neither.

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Their study builds on earlier research, including the findings of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that found the more exposure adolescents had to electronic devices and social media, the more likely they were to suffer serious depression, attempt suicide or actually take their lives.

Arming parents with the information they need to help their children navigate these difficult situations is one of the goals of Patch’s year-long look at bullying and cyberbullying. We’ve assembled a panel of experts to offer helpful advice on navigating what for many is a tortured path through their adolescence and teen years. Our experts are:

Read more about the Patch panel of experts, as well as their answers to previous questions. Come back to Patch through the remainder of the year for more answers. Readers asked:

With the growing threat of cyberbullying, how can parents keep track of what their children are doing online without invading their privacy? What can parents to to make sure their children are safe when they’re online?

Tread carefully here, Willard advises. It’s OK for parents to be friends with or follow their children on social media, but if they’re too intrusive, they will create a second account they can’t access, she said.

In the real world, Willard said, the idea that parents can keep track of what their kids are doing and supervise their activities is “an absolute myth.”

“Ditto for school staff,” she said. “It is time for that myth to end.”

Instead, parents should guide their children and teach them to become good digital citizens.

“We have to make sure that all young people have the insight and skills to handle a wide range of situations that may occur online or in person, especially including hurtful incidents, whether a witness, the one who has been hurtful, or the one targeted,” Willard said. “And we need to make sure that all young people have good relationships with both friends who can help and trusted adults they can turn to for assistance.”

But parents need to make clear they won’t overreact, which can make things worse, or take over, Willard said.

What Should Kids Do If They’re Threatened?

It’s important for parents to develop a clear plan with their children about what they should do if they receive threatening, intimidating or inappropriate messages when they’re online, Dillon said.

“You could also discuss with your child some hypothetical situations and whether or not those would be considered bullying,” he said. “This could help your child recognize and discriminate among the many messages they receive. This would also be a good time to discuss their responsibilities as online bystanders and what they can do if they think a peer is a target of cyberbullying. Make it clear, however, that their reporting of possible incidents of cyberbullying does not put their accessibility to technology in jeopardy.”

Adolescents need to feel their parents trust and respect them, he said, echoing other experts. He recommends talking out issues of trust with their children as they share their concerns about their easy access to technology and social media is based on their love for them.

“This also gives them the opportunity to share their needs,” Dillon said. “You can work collaboratively with your child to figure out the best way to make sure your needs and your child needs are met.”

The discussions can lead to a written agreement or guidelines both parents and their children can refer to later on.

“You would be surprised how kids can rise to meet our expectations when adults share honestly with them based on their love and care,” Dillon said.

It’s important for parents to know what apps their children are using and approve or disapprove them, and it’s appropriate for parents to set non-negotiable limits on screen time, Dillon said.

“This discussion can also include consequences for exceeding the limits and when your child hasn’t honored the plan you agreed upon,” he said. “It is better for children to know and agree to consequences ahead of time rather than having them imposed in a reactive manner.”

Set Firm Boundaries On Screentime

Parents probably can’t eliminate any possibility their child will be cyberbullied, Ellis said, but they can teach tweens and teens to understand what is appropriate behavior online, how to respond to online harassment and how damaging cyberbullying and harassment can be to the targeted individual.

“The more we can instill good habits in our children in the digital world, the more potential there is for less cruelty and more kindness and digital responsibility,” Ellis said.

Ellis also recommends setting firm boundaries on how much time kids spend on the internet, when they’re allowed to use their devices and what sites they’re allowed to visit, and how much information they’re allowed to share on their social media accounts.

Start the conversation by asking them what sites they’re interested in visiting and what information they hope to access, Ellis advises. Once kids are active on social media and the internet, it’s crucial to keep the conversation going about what they’re finding, she said.

“A tween may be entering a stage where they want to use portable devices on a more independent basis,” she said. “Be especially vigilant in maintaining a dialogue about social sites and establish which sites they are allowed to join. If they are beginning to join social sites with their school friends, now is an excellent time to broach the subject of cyberbullying.

“Explain what it is, let them know it’s cruel behavior, encourage them to let you know if they ever experience anything like that. Also let them know that you expect them to be kind and respectful online,” she said.

One tactic is to set up a family account so parents can supervise. Another is to install parental controls. Ellis also advises parents to put the computer in a communal area, like the kitchen or family room, so they can keep an eye on what kids are doing online.

Teenagers may be more reluctant than younger children to talk to their parents about what’s going on in their digital lives, but “don’t stop trying” to get them to open up because they need reassurance their parents are interested and want to be involved in all aspects of their lives, Ellis said.

“Don’t let awkward topics dissuade you from having some much-needed conversations as your teenager becomes older and more independent online,” Ellis said. “Aside from cyberbullying, it’s important to talk to your teen about pornography, sexting and other potentially harmful digital activities. These topics are hard, but they are crucial to your child’s safety in the digital world.”

And regardless of the child’s age, it’s important for they what what they post online will live on the internet forever. Distasteful posts and photos can be seen by potential employers and college admissions departments and “can result in declines from colleges and employers,” Ellis said.

If something bad happens online, “try not to be judgmental or threaten to take away their privileges or devices.”

That can backfire, eroding at the trust parents have tried to build with their kids.

“If your teen doesn’t feel safe coming to you, they might only feel more isolated,” Ellis said. “By showing your trust, initiating difficult conversations, and continuing the dialogue, you will be helping to support your teen and even combat cyber dangers such as cyberbullying.”

Kids Need Parents, Not Another Friend

Principe says parents have a responsibility to see not only what sites their children are visiting online, but also what they’re posting.

“Don’t worry about invading their privacy,” she said. “You are their parent and every child needs someone to step in and stop them from harm. You should not be your child’s best friend. Your child needs a parent, not another friend. They need someone who provides rules, boundaries and limitations to life to protect them.”

The bottom line, she said, is to “stop being afraid of of your child and whether or not they love you.”

“A strong, confident parent will be appreciated more by their child who will in turn, feel safe,” she said. “This increases their self confidence also.”

Principe made clear that she’s not advising “being a helicopter parent or a lawnmower parent.”

“Don’t hover,” she said. “Set rules well before the age of 7. Freedom comes with rules and boundaries. You can then trust your child, but they still need your supervision.”

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Through the end of the 2018, Patch will continue its in-depth look at society’s roles and responsibilities in bullying, which can lead to a child’s unthinkable decision to end their own life, in hopes we might offer solutions that save lives.

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